2023-10-18 - What i need to confront
Here i am writing a journal entry on my unhealthy obbsesion with attention,likes,views and instagram art fame. I think i have a problem when it comes to wanting attention or feeling a bit jealous of artists who have a bigger platform or audience than me. I think this is the aspect i hate the most about social media. I will never feel happy no matter what i post because there are things like shadowbanning and reels, oh and "understanding the algorithm" i guess as an artist this can be discouraging and can lead into me indulging in my mess of bad thoughts. I think the best i can do is take breaks and not worry so much about unfollows or like count, as that makes me sound petty and strange. I love my site and i treat it so much differently than social media like instagram. But i guess if i still want a platform to post my art on i need to confront this unhealthy mindset i have when posting to social media like instagram. Instagram does not support the artist but i should also know that pushing myself is not going to help me in any way.
2023-09-25 - i wonder if people will ever like me?
i do not know if this is the same experince for others my age but i feel as though it has become difficult to talk to others and be yourself to others. I wonder if this has to do with social media and how it has an effect on how we interact with other people and how we make friends/form opinions but it is kinda hard.. i have been trying to have a "don't give a shit" mentality but my boyfriend says i look scary and unapproachable. I look "scary" because i talk about personal issues outloud without caring about what strangers hear or think and i just have a weird resting face that makes me look uncomfortable or just ickk.. i dunno i just want out of highschool and i also want to meet new people somehow. I just wonder all the time now, did anybody like me, did anyone even care about me from the start,, am i a bad guy or am i just not ment to be here. No one wishes to be born but we can all change somehow i assume.. i hope i can change, i know i will change.
2023-09-21 - what was it like today?
Hey there! who ever reads this anyways lol, i had a rough week with school and i need to get so much work done or else i will be way behind with zeros at the beginning of the school month and that is a big nono. So today was rough again, woke up at the right time.. went back to bed and missed first period trying to pull myself together. I fucking hate my repeat year and i do not want to fail that i just want to get it done and over with. I did get to renew my health card today!! my mom said she was super proud of me and so did my therapist and that made me happy because i kept holding it off out social akwardness, and only wanting to go with my boyfriend. So i got that very important thing done and soon i need to get my SIN and my passport done. I am so proud of myself for being determined enough to go through with the idea. Currently i want to keep myself mentally afloat and prepared for maturity and adulthood, i am a very immature person and i want to slowly, at my own pace,, grow out of it but still be myself of course. Anyway my site will undergo a few changes and i will add some new stuff to the site very soon and i will get wips complete. I really need to pass my repeat year and decide if i want to go to uni or college and if it is worth it to continue persuing an art career.
2023-09-13 - Sleep problems
This entire week i have had the worst sleeping problems. I literally get around 5-4 hours of sleep eachday and wake up so exhausted to the point where my chest and head hurt like hell. This is sorta the norm for me and always has been and i wish i could break out of the cycle of this sleep habit. Also bad sleep habits effect my scedual like for school and other things, my mom asks if i go to school sometimes and i really want to say no because i feel way too drowzy, bad headache etc. I think i distract myself too much before i sleep and think that i can multi-task everything at once in one night. I also have not gotten in contact with my therapist because of my sleeping problem. My big goal is to just get over this bad sleep habit... :P
2023-09-11 - School
I think school is super stressful and creates a bigger pit in my stomach when it comes to my social anxiety and mental health. We all have these feelings and they are perfectly healthy, but i feel as though the school environment itself feeds into our big insecurities and fears especially if you are a "shy" and introverted person. As someone who struggles a lot with mental health it takes a toll on me mentally when i am in a school building. I feel lonely and i realize how much of a loner i actually am, while i see people having friends and i don't. I personally don't know why i am complaining becuase i am being held back till i get my required credit and school hours, what is the point in making friends at the point. I wouldn't really say i had a long term friend because they all just break contact with me because i am introverted and never talk to them. I think school teaches people to not help those who may be mentally struggling or those who fall through the cracks of social anxiety, instead school teaches us to leave them alone and to only engage with them when they are at their peak lowest. And even then if you skip school for weeks and months and just hand work in at home they still will forget about you and not think twice about how you may feel. School is like a prison and it can also be both a blessing and a curse.
2023-09-11 - TWD: Daryl Dixon
Today i watched Daryl Dixon, I would say it was a 3.8/5. I thought the plot was a bit weird? not to make anyone feel discouraged to watch this show but this is just how i sorta feel about it. I think him ending up in france was weird at first and the pacing was very hard to keep up with. Lots of new characters and things going on like deaths, zombies and gore just made me feel very confused. I think it does remind me of TLOU but only a little, i can somewhat see plot similarities. TWD:Dead City is a similar spin off but it is equally a mixed bag. I would say just start with the original walking dead and see if you like it and the franchise. Personally i enjoy seasons 1-4 as of now. Anyway I currently don't have much to say as of now about this show but i will come back to this sometime later and add updates here and there.
All photos taken on a sony zv-e10 
